Without giving too much away, I’m now at the age where the group of friends (call it a pool if you will) I once had in my twenties, has now been whittled down to a puddle subjected to a Sub-Saharan summer’s day. With the majority of my girlfriends having succumbed to the casualties of marriage and babies, I feel as though I have been left as the proverbial last (wo)man standing. While I wish my friends nothing but the best, I can’t help but crave to have my own ample slice of the pie we call happiness.
Growing up in a quiet mostly White Middle Class suburb, I, along with my friends, hit life’s key markers. University, travel, decent(ish) job, but as the token only Black girl in our group I seem to have taken home the coveted prize of also-ran in the game of love Monopoly.
The dearth of ‘Good Black Men’ and its effects on ‘Good Black Women’ is oft spoken about, and has (almost) become part of African Folklore. Edging out ancient African proverbs espousing the wisdom of ‘de lion’ come new sayings speaking of the pain of ‘de single Black woman’! Okay, I’m erring on the side of silly but you catch my drift. To put it plainly; I simply cannot kiss anymore frogs. The road to becoming someone’s better half has been pathed with rogues and vagabonds. One experience in particular with a rogue (or was he vagabond?) disturbed me so deeply, I feel that I must share it.
I am certainly not in the habit of man bashing, but in the last few years I have developed a growing awareness of a mutant strain of men. Their emergence seems directly linked to the popularity of one A$AP Rocky. The men in question are defined by their aesthetic charms, the fitness of their bodies, the acquisition of stylised designer clothes, the delicate form of their features and to all this they add a generous sprinkling of self-absorption. Even Narcissus would have to fight to get hold of a mirror in their presence! Sound familiar at all? Yes, my date had all the symptoms of one suffering from what I like to call Beautiful Black Man Syndrome. Disclaimer: my date, (let’s call him John) artfully concealed his true nature, in our earliest encounters.
I should have known that a romantic liaison with John would have been a miss- step of gargantuan proportions after our first (almost) date. A text sent kindly requesting he meet me at a location closer to my home town (I have no car) and a little further from his, was met with this response verbatim: ‘I could but, I think it would be cheaper to have drinks here.’ I know right, hardly the stuff fairy tales are made of. Make no mistake, I made sure that he felt my ire and for obvious reasons I declined his enticing cut price offer.
A later chance meeting in the office kitchen, meant that the wonderful John was able to explain away the many (many) faults of his text. Inwardly I thought how many single, childless black men, holding a BA and a Masters with their own flat (and own hair) are there left in the world? Of Course I caved, and I stood in line, like a dummy, for a second helping.
At his suggestion, I agreed, though unwillingly to meet at his local pub. The pub was part of a chain, nation renowned for their cheap prices and sterile atmospheres. In short it was the McDonalds of the beverage world. (Oh Coran, Coran, Coran). A promise was made, that our next date would be of the extravagant/salubrious kind and since I didn’t have a car, John would foot the bill for my taxi home. His offer had all the appearance of what they call a ‘win, win situation’, or so I thought.
The evening began with an explosive and emotional foray into my date’s disappointment at a recent, but unsuccessful job interview. With scenes rivalling that of a Greek Tragedy, arms flailed about the table as he repeatedly asked me ‘Do you know who they picked? Do you know who they picked?’ Later he looked me dead in the eyes and uttered the following words: ‘I’m very fragile you know’. Who doesn’t want a partner who leads with the masculine trait of fragility? But don’t worry it gets better. Apparently a great believer in the virtues of self-promotion, John felt no hesitation in telling me of his conviction that he was in fact the ‘total package’ and that though I had seen pictures of his six-pack on Instagram, it was ‘even better’ in real life. Other high points included him calling me ‘not very bright’ asking me ‘what makes me moist?’ ‘Did I remind him of Jean-Michel Basquiat?’ and the question that every woman wants to hear on a first date ‘do you want to make a baby?’ I won’t even bother mentioning his mid date declaration of: ‘I really want to go and smoke weed’. Of course I was invited back to his flat to partake of the illegal activity, but I took this final insult as my cue to exit. My carriage awaited me, or so I thought. John in the highest (or lowest) form of flakery now asked that since I had gotten paid on that day, and he didn’t get paid until the next month, could I now pay for my taxi home, and he would refund me the cost at a later date. There really are no words. No like really, there are no words.
I’ve never been one to shy away from a little self-deprecation and though many laughs were had owing to the overwhelmingly bizarre nature of the date, as I settled the fare for my taxi ride home I could not help but feel an intense wave of sadness sweep over me. Ignoring his obligatory ‘I had such a good time’ evening text it dawned on me that this man, beautiful as he thought he was, felt so comfortable and confident in offering me, this woman, absolutely nothing. He wanted me to play the role of a sponge, soaked and stained in his own misery, frustration and delusion. His declaration of fragility, obscured and overshadowed my femininity. If he as the man in our union had committed himself to weakness, then by default I would have to draw on a strength that would sustain the both of us. With strength bestowed unwillingly upon me, his natural conclusion was that I of course could fend for myself, hence the self -funded drive home. My date had decided that he would play the part of one to be objectified, admired and fawned upon. This would be his sole and meagre contribution to the evening; and in that moment I realised that the roles of Black men and Black women had been cruelly inverted. He would not provide, nor would he mark himself as a pillar of dependency. His frailty would be my burden to carry and protect, with his aesthetic raised above on a pedestal for my worship. In short he would take up the woman’s helm and I the man’s.
It was the bitterest of pills to swallow, but I suppose these are the inevitable results of a generation of men parented by MTV. Clearly they have not yet received the memo that ‘cool’, as far as I’m aware, is a non-tangible asset. As for me the search goes on…and on…and on. There will always be a line around the block of frogs waiting to be kissed. Only next time I’ll be sure they have my cab fare ready.