Another year, another oddity to contend with. Having very much hoped my difficult, strange and bonkers encounters with men were a thing confined to the past; I’ve found myself in another fine mess.
In the space of 4 weeks a grand total of three people have had an unwarranted (though I say so myself) pop at me.
The first incident involved an unknown, drunken, quantity who attempted conversation with the sparkling opening line; ‘you’re a nob’.
The second involved an overly opinionated ‘actress’ declaring I should not praise the skills of performers; as I had not trodden the (semi-professional) boards of regional theatre.
And the third involved the antagonist of today’s holy shit show.
Despite being fully aware of the terrors of conversation, having written extensively on the subject, the signal which travels to my brain with a message of ‘speak’ would not be muted.
I declared myself anti Toby Young.
It is old news that Young has been appointed as a board member to the government’s new education regulator.
And like any no–nonsense, good- old- fashioned, plain-speaking, Tory, Toby also comes with a large side of misogyny and homophobia. So far, so Tory.
And so, I endeavoured to explain my objections to Young’s new post.
Our antagonist- who I shall hereby refer to as ‘Kevin’- in return spewed a rebuttal which sounded a lot like ‘the education regulator is in need of some different perspectives.’
After stifling an inward laugh, my sassy mouth and I suggested there was nothing remotely diverse about a man from a wealthy, Oxbridge educated, political family.
In an act of heroic defence which even Superman would struggle to rival, Kevin replied ‘just because you’re rich doesn’t mean you’re a bad person.’
I should have realised dear Kevin may well have been a house short of a brick or two (or three), but still I clung to the vain idea of logic.
I told Kev though wealth did not make you a bad person, it was difficult for me to believe Toby and indeed Tories in general did not subscribe to the party’s core ideologies.
His response this time reader was truly painful. Incensed I had made a monolith of Tories everywhere he asserted the NHS ruining, poverty demonising, benefit- cutting Conservatives ‘were not all the same.’
According to Kevin their diversity was confirmed by the two tier system of ‘backbenchers and frontbenchers.’
Which I guess is true, I mean all Conservatives aren’t the same. I’m sure they can’t all cheat on their wives.
Reader it will not surprise you to know, I now suspected I was in the presence of a real-life Tory.
And I asked Kevin to declare his political inclinations at once. Taken aback Kev retorted ‘are you asking me if I’m a Tory because I know something?’
And in a moment of utter loopiness he decided to add the following: ‘and by the way if I were Tory that would be okay.’
I could have said a thousand things, but I must admit I was paralysed by the strangeness of it all.
In what I can only assume Kevin believed was a parting shot, he issued the following words: ‘and by the way Tories and Conservatives are not the same thing. Conservatives are members of the party, Tories are Members of Parliament.’
I’m not entirely sure I was conversing with a rational man. Perhaps I missed the memo in which it was declared political debate is now obsolete and should be substituted with a personal roast.
Either way this is a personal best for me. Not even a full seven days into the year and I’ve already had my first psychotic encounter with a self-hating Tory.